The Real Bob Barker

Okay, this has been sitting on my hard drive for a week. I'm posting. Damn the torpedoes, I'm posting.
...

They make you use the name on your birth certificate on The Price is Right for legal reasons. I can't remember the last time someone outside of my family called me "Jeremiah" with a straight face.

First off, I'll save everyone the suspense: while we did attend a taping of The Price is Right, neither Carey nor myself were asked to "come on down." Still, it was fun.

So let's see.

Tickets-wise, TPIR is a more laborious affair than The Tonight Show. Tickets must be ordered many months in advance and even if you DO get them, you're not guaranteed a seat. Since people literally travel across the country to see the Real Bob Barker and have a Real Shot at some Real Prizes, you have to show up at around 5:00 in the morning with your pre-ordered ticket to have a chance at wearing one of those price tag stickers with your name on it.

So, the four of us (Me, Carey, Steve, and Shushan [a chef at Carey's work who got us the tickets in the first place]) trudged up to CBS studios in Hollywood in the wee hours. By the time we arrived, the line was a city block long and getting longer by the second. Some folks had even slept on the sidewalk to guarantee a good place in line. Everybody wants to be a big winner.

This crowd... hoy. Half of them were straight out of the Jerry Springer audience: cliche-spouting, unemployed, overweight, trailer-park townies who had probably done the math and realized that their odds on TPIR are far better than the lottery tickets they purchase each morning. Every person we talked to had journeyed from someplace outside of California, many of them coming from thousands of miles away. Oh, and ever see those specialty t-shirts that contestants are sometimes wearing to increase their chances of being called on down? "I LUV BOB, PICK ME"? Well, as it turns out, somewhere in the vicinity of 4/5ths of the folks had this same brilliant idea. Everybody... EVERYBODY had a custom-costume. After seeing this truly heartbreaking display, Carey and I agreed: maybe it would be best if we weren't asked to be contestants. After all, what did we sacrifice to get here? A day off and a half-hour drive?

Everyone had visions of new cars and dinette sets dancing in their brains. Manipulative prick that I am, I took great joy in walking up to random people in line and pointing at them and yelling, "you! I can see it! You're gonna be a big winner! Big, baby! It's going to be you!"

"Me?!!!"

"Oh, yeah! What's your name? Quick!"

"D-denise...!"

"Denise, you'd better prepare yourself, because today's going to be A BIG DAY!!!"

"WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

And then everyone would erupt into applause and yelping. Big fun. We met a lot of people.

Anyhow, since we were foolish enough to show up as late as 5:15 AM, we were put on the "standby" list. Ours were numbers 13-16, which was fortunate, as they ended up having room for standbys up through #35 or so. There were a total of 350 seats, give or take. So, we were okay. Barely.

When the time came for us to file into the studio, they interviewed the crowds in groups at break-neck pace. My interview consisted of, "I'm an illustrator from Long Beach." Apparently, they can tell what sort of contestant you'd make by the question "what do you do and where are you from?" Carey said, "I'm a country club manager in Long Beach and it's my birthday." Steve said, "I, uh, I don't really have a job."

Interviewer: "You don't?"

"No, well, yeah, okay, I'm a golf pro. There. Don't pick me."

(with a frown) "Don't worry. We won't."

I'm always amazed by how small these television sets are. TPIR is pretty tiny. Everything was decked out for Christmas, as this show will air on Dec. 16th. Some guy who wasn't Rod Roddy came out and did a literal song and dance. Soon, the cameras rolled, four people "came on down" and there was Bob.

Can I say it? Bob is one of the all-time greats. We all know the on-camera Bob, but off-camera, the guy's a stitch. During commercial breaks, he would rap with the audience:
"Yup, I'll be 80 in December and I owe every year of it to booze."
"Of course I'll sign your t-shirt for you, miss. Just take it off and send it up here."
"Okay, Angela, we're going to try that again, and this time let's see some enthusiasm. This is the biggest moment of your life - you're about to win a coffee maker, for God's sake."

There were flubs, which Bob assured us were abnormal. Someone had screwed up the labels on one of the showcases. Bob caught it and told them to stop tape and correct it. Also, one of the contestants mistakenly thought she had won a pricing game and bounded up onto the stage. Bob corrected her, sat her back down, and proceeded to give her a good-natured tongue lashing for the next minute or two, to the delight of the studio audience. In the end, that woman won the Showcase Showdown, so I don't think she had much to complain about.

Also, we happened to catch one of those ultra-rare Price is Right moments: a woman spun the wheel and landed on $1.00. She spun it again and landed on $1.00. That's an immediate ten grand, for those who don't know. The audience went ape.

In the end, it was a fun day and I think the folks that simply come to enjoy the show are the ones that have the best time.

Oh, and look for us on Dec. 16th. We're the two tiny dots near the middle-back of the audience.

posted by Jeremy Bear 6:09 AM

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